Self advice after a breakup

Breathe and observe yourself

To my dear Nini, I know how difficult things will be for you soon, so I would like you to know some things, I know that you are strong, but you always feel a little abandoned after the breakups, I know you will do your best to act from love and I'm proud as hell of you, and things will be a bit confusing and scary, so I wish you know:

Cry as much as you need

Staying positive might be a good thing, for me, it was the greatest attitude I could have at the moment, but at the same time, I kind of got confused about being positive and let out the sad emotions. I allowed myself to cry a bit, I kind of rushed to stop the crying so I could still be functional, proactive and normal, it kind of mixed all the emotions and couldn’t be totally clear to who or to what those emotions corresponded. Somehow I took away the right of self-expression, so I tell you now that: is ok, take your time, cry as much as you need, cry until you are tired, you deserve to have that time of grief.

Surround yourself with positive people and activities

In the middle of the situation, our closest friends instead of criticizing the ex, they completely understood that I wanted just to accept the result and respect the decision without denigrating the relationship because I was part of it too haha. They were incredibly loving with me, checking on me, and reminding me that they were kind of excited because now I can completely redesign the future and lifestyle I want to, and I ended up feeling excited too to have this opportunity to have a fresh start, now I have more time, which means more me time, to get to know ourselves better too. You will need that kind of support, the positive ones.

Is not because of you

After a few days, of course, I questioned if it was because I wasn’t good enough, a lot of self-doubts, but then I remembered those moments where I was the one who ended something, most of the time wasn’t because our partners weren’t good enough, they were the same person that we met from the beginning, or sometimes they even upgraded during the relationship, but…we knew something didn’t feel fulfillment anymore. So far, we do not regret any of the breakups, and I think they are thankful too because all of us grow so much after that. So is not because of you, is just a phase where all of us need some changes.

Emotional transference

After the breakup, I was looking for some attention, and I didn’t expect to create a real connection with anyone, I just wanted to feel a little spoiled by someone else. This interaction ends up moving all my old feeling to the new host with who I didn’t have much history, but who was the one dealing heavy emotions from me that I brought from the previous relationship. Somehow I wanted to ask for more love, more attention, more commitment to someone that I just met and didn’t know too much about him, so putting myself in his shoes (if he noticed haha), I would be stressed. It was extremely confusing and a little bit crazy for me, specifically when is also our PMS week. Let’s be careful with that, if we are not ready, then let’s solve what we have in front of us first before the next move. That’s why is important to…

Take time to align your thoughts and emotions

I thought I knew what I wanted, but my emotions were showing and dragging me to another direction haha, so I kind of end up looking and feeling incongruent. Before taking any actions I would like to stop and check how I’m truly am if what my mind is saying is the same of what my heart is expressing, especially when you are involving someone else. Don’t convince yourself of some ideas because that seems logical or whatever, if you are not feeling align with your thoughts, just stop and try to understand the why of each side (mind and heart), and make your move after that.

They are not meeting the best version of you

Know that you can’t expect that the new people you meet are going to like you, or react the way you hope they react. But more importantly, don’t question yourself. I questioned ourselves a lot, if we were pretty enough, funny enough, why they can’t see us the way usually we’re seen by others? There’re a lot of different reasons, and one of them is simply I’m not in my best version, meaning, I’m not feeling in my best, so no matter how good others act, I won’t see it, and maybe I’m not offering the best of me either. So is not about if you are cool enough, is just that you are going through something right now, that need your focus to move on to your best self.

That might be a lesson or opportunity

Remember no matter how sad you feel, something is interesting to see and learn, so don’t shut the door.

Be present, enjoy and be thankful

Don’t waste too much time thinking about all the ifs, and what you can do for something that is already gone. Enjoy the present, enjoy and be thankful for the people, opportunities, experiences that are right in front of your eyes, because life is a train that doesn’t wait for anyone, and we kind of want to live it and create memories, but to do so, you have to be there, all of you.

Only please yourself

You will need you, so don’t worry too much about what others desire, don’t please everybody because in the middle of loneliness and insecurities you are searching for affection. Being a pleaser doesn’t mean that you are going to receive more love, it means that you are taking away your values and as a result, others won’t know your worth either. So when you want something just say it and when you don’t want something say it too, no one is going to ignore you just because you express your desires, it takes a lot more for others to do so.

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A roller coaster ride has a final stop, so is all the things that happen in life, just grab tight and finish the ride, don’t be afraid, because I’m always here with you and we are going to do all of this together, I promise that everything is going to be alright.

xoxo, your future self.

#selfletter