The Journey: finding an utopic purpose

Like many, I always wondered and I keep wondering what is the purpose I have here on earth.

I have always been very anxious, and get stressed with everything. Although my parents did not ask me to work that hard with everything, I think there was a cultural background that made me think that I could NOT fail (you know, me being Asian lol, jk). For many years I thought I had to be as perfect as I could to be accepted, and that led me to be very responsible but very pleasing too, I didn't know how to set boundaries because I wanted to be nice with everyone. I thought that love had to be earned so I worked hard trying to earn it, and that made me be very hard with myself, "everything was my responsibility, everything was my fault", always excusing the behavior of others (unless I wasn't getting along with someone lol), I didn't have the compassion I should have with myself. In a parallel reality I was dealing with my magical/energetic sensibilities, daydreaming all the time (asking myself questions like: did I just connected with another dimension? Is this a portal?), and it was very difficult for years to talk about the subject and connect in a deeper ways with people without being called crazy when I share that I have conversations in my head talking about collective, universal love, warnings about energies, or very scary conscious nightmares or just beings I talked in my dreams. I was dealing with many things at energy level, especially during dreams, where I traveled to places, talked with beings who advised me on a subject or told me things, and I was full scared all the time, because many of those beings felt dense, and the only time I talked about it with other humans was with a couple from the church who reacted by doing prayer saying things that made me feel worse because I thought I had serious problems, like if I was possessed (clearly no). All I need was an external validation to know if they were my imagination or not.

I was living with stress and anxiety, I was afraid to sleep, I felt insecure in some spaces, I didn't want to be close to some people, there were environments that suffocated me, I was tired all the time... but in my 20s two relationships took place that changed my life to another direction. The first one, I was telling a nightmare that I had and my teacher listened to what I was telling ( in the dream there were dense entities that were disfigured when I started to pray but could not get out of the dream and stuffs like that, hehe), and not only that he did not judge me but he explained to me how to deal with it, validating that it was normal, and following to his suggestion it worked, it did not stop frightening me, but I did have proof that I was not that crazy. And then, I met that time boyfriend and his family, who for 7 years were my mentors. They knew what I was talking about, they guided me, and they helped me accept that version of me as a good thing, a tool to help others, their lifestyle, perspective, and experiences truly helped me to feel less lonely. 

Among many ups and downs between work, purpose, goals, in 2017 I made the active decision to embrace the idea that I didn't have to be like everyone else to be functional, I just have to know myself better and adapt to the environment without denying who I am. I didn't know where to start so I tried spirituality (not in the religious way I've been taught), and everything was clearer. But to be honest... crazy things began to happen at a new level that freaked me out, dreams stopped being nightmares, but I started talking to other beings with new knowledge, during the meditations I received information, I felt like I was sometimes in two places at the same time, I started attracting people that talk about these kinds of topics too. Understanding and reaching this new side of my life changed my perception about my past experiences and our existence, in this process one thing helped the other. In search of nirvana (lol), I basically had to learn to calm myself enough that it finally helped me to realize the root of my anxieties and negative thoughts, which was a key factor to stop affecting me and start living happier and being more gentle with myself. Learning to let go of the control and trust to flow and feel the wonders of life that many times the busy mind does not let us enjoy those tiny pleasures.

I explored everything that made me curious, through questioning and learning it led me to a mental trip of whether I was fulfilling my purpose or not (I'm already chill with that), so during my meditations and journaling, it became a constant question: “Am I doing and living as I should? What do I have to offer the world?” (I really don't want to die without fulfilling my purpose).

Sharing this makes me feel super exposed haha, but in many ways, I've been told it was time to speak. And with the belief of "this will reach to anyone who needs it" I know that some will resonate with this micro detail of my process. For me is important to make it clear that my journey is not more special than others than yours, I still have a lot to expand, learn and grow, I am constantly inspired by the lives of others and what motivated me to speak today beside the divine signs (as I like to call them haha) is a phrase by Rebecca Campbell:eginning of everything was very intuitive, with the intention of helping to raise everyone's frequency, reminding how important it is to connect with ourselves, to be a walking love energy, the importance of feeling at peace, of feeling good because the personal well-being is a collective well-being. We live in constant pressure, and sometimes what we need is to make a short stop and loaded ourselves with high frequency by giving us the attention we deserve, in that peace and in that energy we see our paths clearer and carry the desire of evolving. There is no need to feel like shit all the time because we are so much more than that.

Sharing this makes me feel super exposed haha, but in many ways, I've been told it was time to speak. And with the belief of "this will reach to anyone who needs it" I know that some will resonate with this micro detail of my process. For me is important to make it clear that my journey is not more special than yours, I still have a lot to expand, to learn, I am constantly inspired by the lives of others. What motivated me to speak today besides the divine signs (as I like to call them haha) is a phrase by Rebecca Campbell: "It's by hearing someone else's journey that we feel less alone". I don't anyone to feel alone, this is a journey of all, we are together in this experience called life.

Wish you light and love.

It will resonate with you if it is something you need to read. There are different levels of awakening, and the word has been used for different areas, socially, spiritually. There is a time when things that happen in the world will bother you because they seem unfair, another time where you get upset because you realize that for years you repressed your identity to fit in society and now feel the need to find who you truly are because portraying what please the others just make you feel drowned, there will be time you realize and understand that there are essential things that are invisible to the eyes and you don't know how to explain it because it is an understanding that you can't find the words to describe it, theres is a moment where you have clarity, and there is another phase where you realize that this is a complex system that the human mind will not understand, and we are part of a whole where we are connected, and we receive help from other beings as well as some of our interests collide with others, the truths are redefined and you feel the need to be part of that change, you do not feel safe to express it as it comes to mind because it is too revolutionary. And there will also times to transcend alone, and you feel it is ok. No matter what phase you are in, you are part of that evolution. You might feel alone, and I really understand how that feels, but you are not, we just don't talk about it as open as we wish to. And you know what? despite our fears, we do what we need to do to be better, to live better. As I sometimes tell people: "Growing hurts, but for something we don't stop doing it", it's an instinct, we are always looking for ways to improve, and we are all doing it together.